Should we ever question our intuition, and why does Spirit reveal things to us that hurt?

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Sometimes we find ourselves flying above life, loving every moment of everything that passes before our eyes.  The joy of seeing life go as we think it should, our thoughts manifested into real form and in doing so, it soothes the soul.  But what then when things start to go not as we expect?  When we lose our connection and all things start to go out of control?  Or maybe we should start smaller.  You stub your toe in the morning after you get out of bed, then the next thing you know, you’ve got spilled coffee all down the front of your brand new shirt.  The first thought that enters our minds always seems to be “it’s going to be a bad day.”  And there, in that moment, is when we start to lose control.  Where the fabric of life starts to unravel.

I always look back after some small or big catastrophe has happened and think to myself, how the hell did I get here, what happened, and the infamous, why me…why do shitty things always have to happen to me?  But it is in the evidence of our thoughts that create our surroundings.  It’s just so hard for us to get this through our minds though.  Me personally, even though I know, it’s been proven in my life time and time again that my thoughts, my vibration, really equates to the world that I see around me, I still slip up so many times.  And when it’s all said and done and the trauma is over and I have time to evaluate the situation, I smack myself in the face and have that duh/aha moment.

We have become so use to putting on the mask and hats that our family, friends, and society expects us to wear at certain times and places.  I even notice when I correct my children’s behavior such as something like eat all the food on your plate and then I find myself going into this long spill about how there are hungry children who would eat the food off the floor that they’ve spilled.  Even in that, I am teaching them they should finish their food because someone else, somewhere else is lacking and making them feel guilty.  I forget they have the same internal guide, the same Holy Spirit in them also.  And by making them feel guilty about not eating the food, I am starting that ‘masks and hats’ dance over and over again….

I know I have gotten slightly off track, but as usual the words flow out of my finger tips and I don’t want to correct them, because in that moment that I am not thinking or judging myself, I am finding my truths.  The process: as a child, we are told to do things, that truly now as an adult, most of them make no sense.  Like I was speaking of about my children, guilting them into eating.  I don’t think I give my kids enough credit as they are still so innocence and untainted by the world, their connection to God is so much stronger.  They haven’t let the woes of the world weigh them down with expectations that are given to them, when in reality most of the things people expect or want from us are not even things we desire of ourselves… Ah, I’m on track and I didn’t even know it, you’ll see what I mean (Thank you Spirit).

As the title says, should we ever question our intuition and why does Spirit reveal things to us that hurt?  For the first part of the question, the answer is no and here is why.  When we find out things about other people that hurt us (and let’s just say for example in our close personal relationships) it is because we placed an expectation on them and when they did not do what we wanted, we disapprove and then following become upset.  It’s simple right, now everyone say in their 5 year old voice, “Because I didn’t get what I wanted.”  Key word, I.  Just as I have written before about being selfish and writing our own story, the same speaks true for everyone else.  It is natural, because we are not just the soul, but the body also, to be disappointed in others when they don’t follow through with our request.  And here’s the best part, it’s okay.  It’s okay to feel upset or disappointed when our husband doesn’t take out the garbage like he said he would, it’s okay that the kids wrote all on the wall when you surely told them to only draw in their coloring book, it’s ok that even the dog pooped in the middle of your new rug.  It’s all just a part of life, and even though we think things would go much easier if our kids or our employees, whomever, would just do as we ask them too, we would never learn anything… about ourselves and others wouldn’t learn anything for themselves either.

I guess the answer to the question is that we are revealed things that hurt us so that we may not let them hurt us, because there is always a brighter way of looking at things if we release our expectations of others and let up on the lease of life a little bit.  I promise, it’ll all be ok.

Turn the page….

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Time to turn the page my love, time to dust off the cover and finish this chapter of your life.  Set the pace, change the path.  You are the creator of your own destiny right, that’s what they don’t want you to know.  Herded like sheep, just go along with the crowd… right off the edge of the cliff with the rest of them all.  I think not, I think you should veer a little bit to the left, it’s time for you to walk in purpose and stop letting the victim lay down and die.  Listen for that voice again, it’s always there.

Not that fast track, ruthless, please may I have another pill to drown out my own conscience.  Not that I don’t recognize myself anymore, or should I say I don’t want to see myself anymore.  I want her lips, her eyes, his paycheck, and definitely her man (ugh, don’t tell anyone, but she’s more miserable than you) Wake up!  Can’t you see what a beautiful blessing you are…as…you…are!  No need for a make over, or diet, or any of that other extra.  No need to cover up or create a new makeshift form of your former self, because what is real is something unseen by the human eye, and that intangible aspect of you is the real, unflawed, quite perfected you.

That aspect of you is always right, always connected to God, and aligned with what is best for your highest good.  It is not judging, always loving.  Not rushing, but patient and willing.  And along with everything else…are you ready, it lives inside of you.  Oh I said that already, well no problem with reiterating, just saying, I’d rather be sure that you know.

Seek deeper as you turn each page, let that you rise up more and more.  Let Spirit breath with you, sing with you, fly with you.  Let it run free, searching each crack, crevice, hiding place and drawing out the defeat when you exhale.  Stop laying down and excepting this chapter of your life and start a new one.  A greater story awaits you, so pick up the pen and start a new chapter. Be selfish in realizing this is YOUR life and it’s time for you to take charge.  Written, proofed, and published by You!

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Slipping in and out, holding on and letting go… there is such a grey area that rules every aspect of my life.  Are you here, present, raise you hand, put a check by your name.  Yes, stand up so you can find me in the crowd.  Pick me up and cuddle me close in your arms.  It is where I feel safe.  Hide me from the harsh weather, keep me warm, and protect me.  I do not want to be any other place than with you, near you, underneath you, around you, completely entrapped in nothing but you.  I pray my desire is not too much, I pray that you feel the same way too.

Are you just as eager, or do you wish to be somewhere far away, too distant for my eyes to see?  Don’t make me to search anymore, I’ve been looking all my life.  The one with the big ego, no it was not him.  The one who had nothing left to salvage but her desire to feed the need.  No it was not that one either.  The one who controlled ever aspect of my life, pushed me beyond the limits of human strength, sucked the life out of me so much so that I couldn’t recognize myself for some time.  No, no, definitely not that one either.  How about one with a glow of an angel, still broken from the heavy labor of the world.  Perfect in my imperfect vision, solid like a rock, an eye for justice in every situation, but still small cracks and flaws that make him approachable. Yes, this, this is what I’ve been yearning for….

Lost inside my own head

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And it is now in these  times, this day that life begins to fall away from me.  Inside my head, my safe haven and yet the place that so much damage is done to myself.  I can never get away from this for it is my own mine, the gift that I was given upon my birth into this world.  And yet my soul lingers close to me, within me, around me, hold me, caressing my face telling me softly that everything will be ok.  And I hear her voice, I feel her comfort, and yet I want to pull away from her and turn the other direction and run, like I’ve never run before.

Why do I choose to let myself be damaged and afflicted by my own mind?  I can’t escape this place, where else would I go?  I use to tell people that if they had my mind for a day they would kill themselves, and in that statement I realize my strength, I realize that I come overcome myself, I can make it in this place they called the world that dwindles lies before us every day.  And it is us to us to decipher what is real, what is a lie, but in truth… it is all a lie… The truth is somewhere moving softly between your soul and mine and I’m screaming for you to see, for him to see, to know that baby it is so much more that what you chose to be angry for.  I know that my mind boggles you, angers you, frustrates you, but what else would you have me do?  Please find a doctor that can fix the neurons that have been developing in my mind since the day I appeared in my mother’s womb.

I did not chose this life, but that’s not true my love, I did.  As I watched and waited to be called into this life, I chose this path and I am trying to make the best of it.  I am trying to heal my self with the power of love that God laid inside me, ingrained it me, built me up with and sometimes my dear, I just can’t do it.  I just can’t turn away from the darkness that lingers so closely and quietly calls my name everyday, trying to pull me back into the cycle of abuse.  Not to you my dear, to myself.  He is so eager, his smile so convincing, but my will is stronger, at least strong enough to pick myself up when sometimes, as we all do, I fall…. Have faith, I need you to, I need you to believe that I will be better.  Our connection as one, and please know that we are one, one soul intertwined in this cold, harsh world.  I feed off of you and you feed off of me, but it will never be 50/50 sometimes I will happily carry you and I need to know that you too, will carry me too.

Blooded body from the self-inflicted hate, lost and detached from the fear of what will my mind do next, body limp and tearing into the ground, trying to dig myself out this grave. Give me your hand and and His sweet spirit dwells within all, be my savior, don’t let me fall too far….

I am a Scorpio Woman

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I found this awhile ago, from where I cannot remember but I read it very often to remind myself of the wondrous mystery of a woman I am…. Enjoy!

Jakatta ~ Strung Out

The Scorpio Woman

There are two keywords you should remember about the Scorpio woman: depth – meaning that hers is a subtle, complex, and never obvious temperament, and will – meaning that this woman is not about to bow her head to anyone or anything, unless it’s temporarily necessary to achieve an end. You might also keep in mind other Scorpio qualities: the famous possessiveness, intensity, pride, loyalty. No Scorpio is either easy to understand, or easy to live with; but then, if you wanted something light and frothy and unobtrusive, you’d be with someone else, wouldn’t you?

Let’s consider the business of depth. Scorpio is a sign which never takes a superficial view of life; it’s almost impossible for the Scorpio woman to accept something at face value. This can span a pretty broad range, from the caricature Scorpio who, when you say ‘Good morning’, wonders exactly what you mean by it, to the Scorpio whose motivation and deepest need is to understand – both herself and the people around her. In short, this is a woman who expects something more from a relationship than surface tokens. Love, to Scorpio, is more than demonstrations of affections or security or sexual gratification, or even intellectual camaraderie. It’s a bond which – hopefully, from her point of view – touches the soul, and means no secrets. No secrets doesn’t mean the superficial way of interpreting it either, like where were you at five o’clock on Thursday afternoon. It means that she expects honesty of character. Scorpio, being a water sign, has a lot of compassion, which usually comes from her own propensity to torment herself. The Scorpio woman is probably more capable than any other of both understanding and accepting human weaknesses and human darkness. She’s not afraid of ugliness, internal or external, because to Scorpio dark and light make life interesting. What she can’t stand is the hypocrite, the person who lives in pretence. If you need your masks and your props, stay away from this woman, because that x-ray eye will see through the lot; and she won’t stop at seeing, either. There’s a strong tendency to try to remake others in Scorpio, and the Scorpio woman will often take it upon herself, consciously or unconsciously, to help transform you – especially if you’ve got a lot to hide.

Unfortunately for her, there are a great many men roaming the world to whom the idea of being emotionally honest, or straightforward in revealing their own motives, is absolute horror.

Not that that’s such a reprehensible thing. It isn’t easy to face the mirror, not to the degree Scorpio thinks you should face it. But this is the one area where the Scorpio woman shows her intolerance. She can accept anything in anybody except what she considers to be weakness of character – that is, the person who hasn’t the strength to face himself. And she can be pretty scornful, and pretty scathing, if she feels let down.

That propensity for depth is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes her a rare woman, because she’s capable of not only seeing but also sharing your pain and your dreams and your burdens; and her enormous strength of will and loyalty are unshakeable even when yours are flagging a little. But her expectations are high; and it isn’t easy to live up to them. Basically, she expects that you, like her, should want to be constantly engaged in the great alchemical work of transformation, nothing less. If you happen to prefer sailing and cowboy films to introspection, you might have to explain yourself. Your only chance is in convincing her of the justice of your rights to be yourself. Justice is a thing the Scorpio woman understands. Her sense of justice is so keen and so sensitive and it’s virtually inflexible. If she thinks you’re in the right, then she’s capable of sacrificing completely her own desires and opinions. If she thinks you’re in the wrong, and you don’t apologize or change your viewpoint, she’ll retaliate.

Let’s talk about retaliation, since, if you’re involved with a Scorpio, you’ll have to get used to the concept. Scorpio’s sense of justice, as we mentioned, is pretty acute. It isn’t an intellectually based judgmental faculty like Libra’s either; it’s a powerful, gut-level, emotional reaction to any situation where she feels she’s been abused and treated wrongly. This can range from being rejected or insulted – which in the case of the more paranoid Scorpio may mean an imaginary rejection or insult – to betrayal. Betrayal is perhaps the thing she hates and fears the most. And if she feels betrayed, she’s more likely to strike back than to turn the other cheek. Nice Christian patience and mildness are not, repeat not, qualities which you should be trying to find in Scorpio. It’s good basic, primitive stuff – eye for an eye, and all that. Never maliciously, or with cruelty. Just enough to teach you a lesson.

Does it sound a little hair-raising? Well, it depends on how you look at it. The Scorpio woman’s feelings run deep and intense, and she doesn’t like them to be taken lightly. She’s hurt easily because of this intensity and sensitivity, although she can’t really be hurt by people in general – only those few she really cares about. Scorpio is extremely selective in love and friendship. Everybody else can go to hell. She isn’t intimidated by either public disapproval or snide comments or gossip behind her back. Only from those people who she loves and respects can a criticism or a rejection wound. But then it really wounds. And whether you argue philosophically about the rightness or wrongness of it, that’s her stance. Injure her and she’ll injure you back, if at all possible. Unless, of course, you did it accidentally. Then she’ll forget about it immediately, because that isn’t the same thing.

Scorpio has a long memory for both good and ill. Help her, show her encouragement, and she’ll always remember it. Betray her and she’ll never trust again. In fact, very likely she doesn’t really trust you in the first place, or anybody for that matter, because her sensitive and virtually psychic perception of human character tells her that nobody, is really a saint. She’s always on her guard, against life and against the shadowy side of others, and against the more convoluted fears and desires in herself. It takes a long time before Scorpio settles into a relationship. She may seem to. But she’ll watch for a long time to make sure that you’re what you say you are.

Of what use, you may well ask, is this kind of hypersensitivity? Why not just go out and enjoy life and take the bitter with the sweet? Fine if you’re a Sagittarian or a Gemini, but not if you’re a Scorpio. And the use of it – if ‘use’ is the word we want – is that spending any time with a Scorpio teaches you to be more aware. Aware of yourself, aware of your motives, aware of your own needs, aware of what drives others, aware of the whole invisible realm of the psyche which we ordinarily, in our extroverted blundering western culture, overlook. Why be aware? Well, if you aren’t, then you get nasty things happening – like inadvertently being hurtful and destructive to other people and yourself, and on a broader, collective level, being destructive to all cultural groups and societies. If we all had Scorpio’s insight, we very likely wouldn’t have much in the way of human cruelty, because we’d catch it first in ourselves.

But for this kind of depth the Scorpio woman pays a price; and the price is that it’s hard for her to be frivolous and carefree. Here she needs the help of a partner, and a lot of tenderness and understanding. She’ll always have secrets; all Scorpios do. But to watch Scorpio come out of its tangled brooding into a little sunshine is a lovely thing to watch, because then the real warmth and generosity of the element of water is available to other people.

There was that other word, will. It’s wise to remember, in dealings with Scorpios of either sex, that you ask, rather than order. This is important to remember if you have a Scorpio child; if you have a Scorpio employee; and if you have a Scorpio woman as well, because (a gentle reminder) the two planetary rulers of Scorpio are Pluto, lord of the underworld, and Mars, god of war.

Not that Scorpio isn’t a feminine sign. Remember Mata Hari? She was a classic Scorpio. There’s a mysterious and often fascinating quality about Scorpio women; they often exude a sensuality and a thinly veiled and lightly controlled passion which can be intensely magnetic. They also often inspire fear and mistrust, because you’re never quite sure what’s going on behind those eyes. But those two powerful planetary rulers point out that, along with the intensely female quality of the sign, there’s also a lot of fire and a lot of courage and a lot of pride. Don’t try to crush the pride. You’ll get almightily stung if you do. Scorpio demands respect, and this applies to the Scorpio woman as well as the Scorpio man. She’s a person unto herself, not anybody’s mate, servant, or property. If allowed to offer herself freely, she’s capable of devoting her life. But if you demand or take for granted, you’ll meet either with a cold, frosty glare and a deliberate reverse of what you ask for, or you’ll suddenly get a screaming, ranting Valkyrie running at you with a spear.

She can be temperamental. The Scorpio woman needs an arena where she can release the fighting qualities of Mars. Releasing them in a relationship isn’t always very pleasant, and she does need to have a good fight on occasions. The warrior quality of the sign tends to take to causes, and to other people’s fights; the Scorpio woman may often be seen championing the weak or the abused, whether it’s in a political arena or a medical or psychological one. But she does need a theatre to work in; and because she thrives on crisis, she needs space to promote them, to accomplish her thirst for transformation and change. Otherwise, guess who bears the brunt of it. Scorpio doesn’t like things placid for too long; she mistrusts too much contentment. She’s always looking for the worm in the apple, and if things are quiet for too long she’ll begin to suspect something’s going on underneath. Then she’ll upend the whole apple cart, and start a quarrel or a scene, or provoke you into one, in order to find the worm. Never mind. When it turns out that there isn’t any worm after all, she’s not the least bit chagrined. She accomplished what she was really after: a change in the relationship, a deeper look, a new expression of emotion. She’d rather have you furious than bland and uninvolved.

The airy signs find her fascinating but a torment, because she seems to contain all those depths they’re so fascinated by but terrified of; and she pulls them into their emotions, which is the most difficult place in the world for the element of air to be. The other watery signs generally understand her, but they too are likely to be afraid of the probing eye that sees too much. Earth, stolid and realistic, often doesn’t understand her; earthy people may love her depth and shrewdness, but miss the fundamental point, and suddenly find themselves upheaved and staring at a reality they didn’t know existed. And fire responds to her innate theatricality, but often flies into really dramatic scenes and conflagrations. No other sign can really subdue or tame the Scorpio; all you can do is decide whether this is someone you can understand and love, and if so, then go along for the ride, because it’s bound to take you into some pretty strange quarters. One thing it will never be shallow or boring.

All things fall apart

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So for the past few days, my life has been in complete chaos!  Well not my whole world, actually just the storm brewing inside of me.  And of course, it always happens this way.  You would think after 30 something years of life, I would come to the realization that truly all this must fall apart for us to move on to the next best thing in our lives.  It’s like that kid who throws the tantrum in the store.  Now if we were talking about a well tempered and stern parent, that child would most definitely leave the store with no toy in hand, but guess what he will live to see another day.

And this is how I saw myself this weekend.  Falling apart in every direction, nothing I thought I wanted was making me happy and I kept asking myself, why isn’t  this ice-cream, new Apple TV, new MacBook, favorite food (well you get the picture) making me happy? Being the bipolar person that I am, my tics usually run me into a mill of troubles with finances or other things of sorts, but I didn’t even want to go out and splurge.  The only reason I got the laptop was because my beautiful children seem to think smashing their fist into the top of my Toshiba was a grand idea, unfortunately the screen did not think so.

I was mad at my husband, which I do have reason to be, but then again, it’s always the man’s fault right LOL!  Well I ended up having a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting myself and it was not pretty.  I sat there in my most calm mind as possible at that time and asked myself “Why are you so angry?” Hmmm, why was I so angry?  Was it because the bills are going to be behind this month, or was it that I felt like my husband didn’t get me the emotional support that I needed?  Was it because the kids were being extra spoiled and cranky, or was it that the dog pooped in the house twice last week?  Or was it simply put, that I am having issues relinquishing control in many areas of my life? BINGO!!!

You know the things that we think everyone else should know, because it seems like common sense is more than likely not even a thought that passes through their head.  I expect my husband sometimes to know I am upset (I’m every so slightly OCD) because he doesn’t pull the shower curtain closer after he gets out of the shower.  Or that my skin crawls when he wakes up in just enough to time to let the dog out before he goes to work, but does he do it, nope.  This are all things that if I could I would control in some way shape or form.  Oh yeah, the list does go on.  I am not perfect, but in my mind my external world reflects what’s going on inside of me.  So if my house is cluttered, guess what my mind is probably cluttered with extra junk and thoughts that I don’t need.  So when something doesn’t get done it causes this domino effect in my mind of a long list of other things that MUST get done by the end of the day, when truly they don’t.

You can imagine the next question that cam to mind then right? “What can I do to fix this problem, or even more am I sure that is really the problem?”  Ohh how I love my ego, always making me second guess myself.  So to fix my control issue the first thing I told myself was just because it’s not done my way, doesn’t mean it’s not good enough.  Second of all, if it doesn’t get done today and it’s nothing major, who care.  Basically, release, release, release.

Well I hate to cut this short, but I do have a family member that just called and needs me ASAP, oh and that is something that never gets put on hold…FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!

AHA!

Feeding into the need

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So many times I find myself going through what most people refer to as life. Usually this entails something not so pleasant. Right now in my life I just recently married again and although my Hubbie is somewhat comparable to what angels are like in heaven, I’m still healing from the nightmare that I refer to as my ex.  The last few weeks a lot of things have come up from my Pandora box that I thought I had worked through. But the wise Marianne Williamson says that when we are in a holy relationship all the things we thought we had fixed come bubbling up to the surface so then we can really heal. And this is what has happened. My fears about being hurt and mentally abused have surfaced again… And from no major part of my Love’s. Through weeks of crying and constantly questioning his intentions, I finally came staggering out from the huge pity party I’d been throwing for weeks, I mean it was really popping off. Yesterday though with a hangover from hell, it finally hit me. You’re feeding the need of your ego. That voice we all know so dearly, its that I can do it all by myself and why do I need anyone else. That this will never work for you and maybe you should consider something else voice. That weight, that shadow that haunts you, wanting you to withdraw from the light. That place of fear that truly is misery loves company.

So I said to him last night in my sobering moment, I’ve been rolling in my own stink for weeks now and was too blind from my own fears to even know it. It’s as if my ego was like “Gotcha stupid!” Awe but all things are a choice, and I decided that I don’t like the funk and that pity party was way to overrated and I even had VIP!

We find ourselves feeding that need of the ego so many times in life. It’s very quiet and small at first, hitting you with little mistakes like breaking something or stubbing your toe. These little incidence let those small negative phrases start to enter your mind. “I’m so clumsy” or “That was really stupid of me.” Then before you know it, life happens and the negativity has already settled in and we aren’t prepared with our tools for standing through the storm and it takes us.  Our fears have overcome us and we get trapped by the ego and then nothing seems possible. Then there seems to be no hope. 

I’ve learned though we can always change things around, and it starts with our thoughts.  To start back feeding that God-spark within us, to nourish the light. So I made the choice last night to nourish the love and not feed the ego anymore. It’s a tricky little thing so I always have to be aware. Notice my thoughts and know that if it is negative at all, it is not love. I have to just take it with a grain of salt and excuse it after. Kind of like talking to the negative Nancys we all know and encounter in life. I have to say “Yeahhhh, no, but thanks anyway.”

It’s always a choice, and I know it won’t be my last dance with my ego, but then I always know I can turn things around. There is always light, and when life happens, appreciate the lesson and instead of giving into the fear and dancing by yourself at the party, reflect and draw in God’s love and light. It will be alright and you will be stronger, more beautiful, more saged in the end.

Aha…

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It always inspires me when I’m given words from Spirit and someone approaches me and let’s me know that my words touched their heart. The funny part is I can never remember what I said.  Sometimes I find myself lost in this world and bogged down by the mundane day to day stressers of life.  I’ve had to re-center lately, ground myself and stand humbly in God’s grace.  I admit I left my ego get ahead of itself, and now find myself weak from the cloud of wordliness that I’ve got myself caught up in.  I seek silence inside myself, moments as I’ve described above let me know that I’m back in tune with God. Namaste.

Take the time…

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Take time and go slow… Enjoying life should be like enjoying a fine wine.  Drink it in, let it flow over your whole palette and swallow down the experience.  Lately, I find myself sitting in the past or tormenting myself of what’s to come of the future… and for what.

Being here and now is a hard skill to acquire.  We find ourselves always watching the clock, having to run around like chickens with our heads cut off.  Yeah, I know we do have to work, or go to school, or raise our children, but there is so much more to life.  We get home and get caught up in doing the same routine every single day!  Blah!  Take a walk, visit a friend, get out to the local park, and for the wino in me…enjoy a nice glass of merlot!

We all don’t have to luxury of having huge stacks, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t still take advantage of the little things.  Maybe it’s the romantic of life in me, but there are daydream bubbles of a late night picnic watching God’s brilliant light show up in the sky.  Today, a walk to the park with the kiddos.  Tomorrow, well I’ll open that gift when it gets here.

So take your time, walk slow, breath deep.  Open your eyes and really see those things around you, let your inner child see the wonders.  It inspires me when I see my girls get so excited about a butterfly or bird flying by, such an innocence that I know is still composed in my spirit.  I encourage you today to do the same.  

Aha…