So for the past few days, my life has been in complete chaos! Well not my whole world, actually just the storm brewing inside of me. And of course, it always happens this way. You would think after 30 something years of life, I would come to the realization that truly all this must fall apart for us to move on to the next best thing in our lives. It’s like that kid who throws the tantrum in the store. Now if we were talking about a well tempered and stern parent, that child would most definitely leave the store with no toy in hand, but guess what he will live to see another day.
And this is how I saw myself this weekend. Falling apart in every direction, nothing I thought I wanted was making me happy and I kept asking myself, why isn’t this ice-cream, new Apple TV, new MacBook, favorite food (well you get the picture) making me happy? Being the bipolar person that I am, my tics usually run me into a mill of troubles with finances or other things of sorts, but I didn’t even want to go out and splurge. The only reason I got the laptop was because my beautiful children seem to think smashing their fist into the top of my Toshiba was a grand idea, unfortunately the screen did not think so.
I was mad at my husband, which I do have reason to be, but then again, it’s always the man’s fault right LOL! Well I ended up having a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting myself and it was not pretty. I sat there in my most calm mind as possible at that time and asked myself “Why are you so angry?” Hmmm, why was I so angry? Was it because the bills are going to be behind this month, or was it that I felt like my husband didn’t get me the emotional support that I needed? Was it because the kids were being extra spoiled and cranky, or was it that the dog pooped in the house twice last week? Or was it simply put, that I am having issues relinquishing control in many areas of my life? BINGO!!!
You know the things that we think everyone else should know, because it seems like common sense is more than likely not even a thought that passes through their head. I expect my husband sometimes to know I am upset (I’m every so slightly OCD) because he doesn’t pull the shower curtain closer after he gets out of the shower. Or that my skin crawls when he wakes up in just enough to time to let the dog out before he goes to work, but does he do it, nope. This are all things that if I could I would control in some way shape or form. Oh yeah, the list does go on. I am not perfect, but in my mind my external world reflects what’s going on inside of me. So if my house is cluttered, guess what my mind is probably cluttered with extra junk and thoughts that I don’t need. So when something doesn’t get done it causes this domino effect in my mind of a long list of other things that MUST get done by the end of the day, when truly they don’t.
You can imagine the next question that cam to mind then right? “What can I do to fix this problem, or even more am I sure that is really the problem?” Ohh how I love my ego, always making me second guess myself. So to fix my control issue the first thing I told myself was just because it’s not done my way, doesn’t mean it’s not good enough. Second of all, if it doesn’t get done today and it’s nothing major, who care. Basically, release, release, release.
Well I hate to cut this short, but I do have a family member that just called and needs me ASAP, oh and that is something that never gets put on hold…FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!
AHA!
What Matters Most (and everything in-between) 
I can relate to your feeling of lacking control when all we want is to have some say in everything we do/everything that happens to us. What I realized was that situations can be grouped into two piles: things we can do something about, and things that we cannot do ANYTHING about. Being able to classify situations allows me to decide what my battles are; yes I can find a way to keep myself in good mental health by taking my medicine or I can decide how I want to treat people, but no, I cannot change the fact that I am bipolar or convince my company to fire my boss. So, I focus on the things that I can change and hope that while improving these areas, I can let go and maybe even forget about the others. What I have found is that putting your energy in the places that count, internally, allows you to have a little more control in life. Instead of dwelling on the fact that I am bipolar, I simple ensure that I take my medicine to control it. Instread of hating my job because I don’t work well with my boss, I work towards improving the way I interact with him. Control is a perception and if you can convince yourself that you have control over something, be it as simple as having the control to decide what you eat, it will be easier to let go of the rest. And if all else fails, just remember, “life is the unsuccessful organization of chaos”, you aren’t going to suceed at controling life (chaos) so just, as the Beatles say, “let it be” and remember that “in all choas there is a cosmos, in all disorder, a secret order (Carl Jund)”.
The beautiful chaos… Thank you for your reply. I usually can hold my composure, but my cycles are so unpredictable! Sometimes it’s good for months, sometimes everyday is a disaster waiting to happen. But when things are calm like now, I can look back and say I wouldn’t change a thing about my mind, no matter how much it hurts sometimes, I love the blessing and the curse that it is in my life.